My heart has broken, my soul is crying out.

Why does it hurt, is this how He felt.

Why do we hide you, Lord?

Why do we not tell the world about you?

20th of April thought of the day

Caught in between sleep and sorrow.
Hoping for the 'morrow.

Where does God dwell?

This weekend the question became posed in my mind, "Where does God dwell?"

In the past He dwelled in the temple,

In the past He dwelled in cloud,

In the past He dwelled in a burning bush,

In the past He dwelled behind a very thick curtain,

In the past He dwelled on a mountain,

BUT THE CURTAIN HAS BEEN TORN.

THE GATE HAS BEEN OPENED

THE BRIDGE RESTORED

In the present He dwells in my heart,

In the future He dwells in my heart,

For the rest of eternity He will dwell in my heart,

No where else, but my heart.

He does not dwell in the building, people call the church, but in the hearts of the people that make the church. His presence is in each of us, not the building. Wherever we are at, wherever we may be, He dwells within us. As we give him praise and honor with the honoring of the temple, which is our body. We worship him, with song, praise, joy, and dance. We give him thanks through song and dance. We worship him in everything we do, walking, talking, etc.

"a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance"

Ecclesiastes 3:4

Even David, a man after God's own heart, danced! Give Praise to our Lord and Saviour through our whole selves, in everything, everything we do!

2 Samuel 6:13-15

¹³ When those who were carrying the ark of the LORD had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. ¹⁴ Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the LORD with all his might, ¹⁵ while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

Are we all to you, just lost causes

Life can get difficult... life can get hard... life can get downright intolerable...

When my head is aching, hurting, it is hard to think, hard to sleep, hard to do anything. My week has been tough this week, realizing my weaknesses, realizing, just realizing.

Tomorrow is a new day, new life, new hope, new energy, new day to continue putting my faith in God.

Realizing that he will give me strength in my hard times.

Keep fighting, keep pushing, keep up the good fight....you'll make it. He says to me.

So I will continue fighting, continue pushing, continue the good fight, and I will make it.

The World

The World
Why is it so hard to live in as a believer in Christ? because we are not of this world. We are "only visiting this planet" as Larry Norman would say. Just visiting, that's it, not from here, did originate here, just visiting. I have been sheltered just a little bit in my Christian bubble, most of the friends are Christians, same beliefs, but once again I was exposed to the world and I guess you could say I didn't like it....I was uncomfortable, bored, a little shocked at some of depraved language and conversations going on.

In a world, where absolute truth is irrelevant, where there is no black&white, but lots and lots of gray, where each person decides what is right based on what they feel, where there is morality only when it fits in with their individual lives.

Just yesterday I read a verse:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33b

So I guess God was telling me yesterday, to take heart, because Jesus has already overcome the world!


I will leave you with this video:

Mirror, stays the same

Life is a mystery
with all of it's history
young and old
for all to behold
through the years
we stay like mirrors
reflecting ourselves
every time we open our mouths

If you thought we evolve
look back as the world revolves
we've never changed
our thoughts always deranged
beginning of time
the same desires
the end of time
the same desires

always increasing never ceasing
always binding never releasing

They hold us until we scream
and our Father rescues us
from these never ceasing
desires of our hearts

Barista's the land of coffee beans and friendly service....ahem...if you enjoy sarcasm and funny jabs. Which I do, so I am safe. Today was my first day being a Barista although I didn't make any espresso, or lattes, or mochas. But I did make some frozen drinks, such as smoothies and such (the cold coffees, forget the name) and manned the cash register and served up our coffee of the day....fun, fun... all the while my co-workers trying to figure out what my nickname is going to be, because there is another Lauren and her nick name is Lawrence of Arabia and another girl, Hillary is Hildalgo...etc...you get the picture :). The best part hasn't even come yet, after we work each day we get a free drink of our choice! 20oz hot chocolate come my way! Perfect for the 6min. walk home! especially when it is cold outside and you forgot your gloves, oops!


So going to work wasn't my first time going to Barista's as I spent two hours there previously enjoying conversation with a friend and then spending time in the Word. I don't know if it is the coffee smell or great music that is the reason it is very relaxing to work on homework or writing my book, although if the subject of coffee gets in my book at all blame my job...haha...


One of my fav books, Cool Beans by Erynn Mangum, is about a girl, who is a Barista at a coffee shop and I guess it kind of got me interested in the job or maybe just the fact she found her guy there...mwhaha....just kidding...who knows what God has planned for me....but one can hope! (but this is in no way my intention of working there, i need money bad!)


So I guess what I am saying in this post, Come to Barista's and random thought of the day... Trust in the Lord, which I am now going to do everyday. I may stumble, I may fall, but my Lord Jesus will pick me back up and heal my scrapes.


Love ya all!

(subliminal message (go to baristas)) haha

Sweet Escape

Shivers creeping up my spine

Lord of sleep weighing heavy on my mind

Constant thoughts disappear

as the cloud of slumber reappears

muddled thoughts roll in as a fog

my body as heavy as a log

My sweet escape from the bitter cold

embraces me with warmth and peace.

But the promise is a lie

as only death and grief takes its place.

Credit:

Lauran, May 2, 2010

Creativity and Black nail polish

Writing has always been a habit of mine and it wasn't until my senior year of high school where my love became even greater when I took creative writing. The writing I mean is the creative types, I absolutely abhor writing research papers or essays. I like to write opinion pieces, as many of my comments can be read on various websites, although I do not like to debate with those continually attack and can't have a simple discussions because hey we are all unique and different, but that doesn't mean we can't talk as civil adults.

Anyways this blog is going to take a major change from what I started it off with....haha.... so last night I painted my nails black. I have never done that before and I began to think of all the things associated when you see some wearing black fingernail polish. The first thought that comes to mind is that she is goth, but then you see her make up and clothing and x that one off. then your next thought is she must be punk and once again you look at her hair, clothing, and makeup and if that doesn't match, you are at a lost for words....

In my way of thinking, I see my fingernails and the black nail polish and I feel a sense of creativity. Realizing that I am a right brained person, who loves to write, sing, play piano, take photographs, and just imagine and I see that in the color of my fingernails. Some may say, black...hmm..that is kind of dark, but if you look at black from a different point of view, black is a mixture of all the colors, when I was first painting my nails I saw a hint of blue in the black.

The weird thing is I feel more comfortable wearing black nail polish then I would be wearing red nail polish. Whenever I rarely put nail polish on, I use very neutral colors, almost skin tone. I am a very neutral person on the outside, but on the inside I'm quite different. Wearing black nail polish feels a bit rebellious to my very neutral outside look and I like it.

This blog post might feel a little trivial compared to what's going on in the chaos that is our world, but I do have a point to speaking about the color of nail polish.

The Body of Christ in general in the United States is very much how I describe my outside as neutral, not really making a dent in this world, but not fading into the background, well almost not. There is a little group that do stand out because they are on fire for Jesus and I see that as me wearing my black nail polish. It stands out and it isn't the common norm and that is how as Christ followers we should be. Stop being apathetic, stop being neutral, put on some black nail polish and stand out in the crowd. The world should be able to tell us apart from those of this world. We should be the weird ones, who are crazy for Jesus. Like the Superchic[k] song "Hey, Hey" goes "So I won't sell out, even if the whole world thinks I'm crazy"

So get out of your norm, be a little crazy. Our love for Jesus should be showing to the world and not hidden in neutrality. We are in a battle for souls, this no time to be resting, heaven is where we will have our final rest.

Restlessness

tapping foot

in perfect rhythm

tapping pen

in sporadic rhythm

sighing constant

wishing for more

tapping fingers

as a pianist

clenching fist

as a fighter

when's the waiting finally over?

where's my rest?

Poetry...haha...yeah right...funny rhymes...

Piranha Named Donna

There was a piranha named Donna

who was smokin' marijuana

who got fried in the sauna

while cryin' for it's momma

Credit due:

Lauran and Christine 2008

Poems in the Corn

(well? they do have ears)

Thunder, thunder head our way

give us a short working day

if you don't I think I'll cry

because it will be so hot n' dry

Credit due:

Lauran and long hours pollinatin' corn

No Idea

have a clue

because one's due

please hurry, hury

be wary, wary

it's gettin' kinda hairy

sort of scary

where's nancy drew?

i just heard a boo

Credit

sadly, Lauran 2011 ( 2 min. rhyme)

okay i'm done (takes bow)....might entertain later with more funny, weird rhymes :)

Faraway Star

time is slipping,

the clock is ticking,

life goes by,

until we die,

is that all we are,

to be forgotten as a faraway star.

drifting listlessly

staring mindlessly

into the darkening sky

O' where do the mindless lie

light is fading

in the darkness' shading

the soundless night

no strength or might

no end in sight

must I fight

in this dying sky

O' let me fly

Poetry by Lauran 2011

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Exhausted

Exhausting, tiring, worn out, burned out, tuckered out, I will now kick the bucket, well just to my bed to sleep. It has been a tiring day, I have slept so much today although I had a good night of sleep these last couple days. These last four days feel like a year, praying for renewal, to learn to live again, to get past all of these emotions that have bogged me down for two years. I want to live up to my potential and guess what I am a scared and weary of what's to come.

I feel like Jeremiah, who my mom taught in sunday school today. He was a prophet for 40 years and he had to tell Israel what they have done wrong against God and that they will punished. People cursed and called him names, friends hated him and he became weary and scared and very down in his soul and cried. (or as 1st or 2nd grader Chase said about Jeremiah being hated, "For no good reason!") Jeremiah was also thrown into prison as well as in a well of mud. I feel like Jeremiah, tired in my soul, not for his reasons, but similar in that I feel attacked constantly, constantly hindered to do what must be done to survive and live the path God has chosen for me. Jeremiah and I are similar in that I have done my share fair of crying. Maybe God wanted me to be in the Sunday School my mom was teaching because I needed to learn that my soul is weary and I need sleep, I need to rest my soul and become recharged.

So maybe that is why I slept so much today, unintentionally in 2nd service of church, after church for 20 minutes and then for a couple hours this late afternoon and at this moment before falling asleep, I am exhausted as well. It isn't because of anything I have done physically, but I believe God wants me to take this time at home to rest my weary soul in the arms of my Saviour. As I sleep tonight I will rest on the promises my Saviour has told me. I have a long and weary battle ahead of me and I want to win and rely on the one true God, Yahweh, Alpha and Omega, Jehovah, Adonai, El Shaddai

I love you.

Anxiety, Jealousy, shame, pride, fear...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

This verse never affected me until this last year. We commonly mistake anxious with eager. If I had the problem of eagerness, I would be high flying. Anxiety is a serious thing and we shouldn't mistake, it is written in the Bible for a reason because I believe that Jesus realized how debilitating anxiety really is. He knew what kind of conniving tricks that the Prince of this World had for us, so that we can not spread the good name of Jesus Christ. I got pulled into the tricks and traps that Satan had laying out for me. It is such an easy thing to do, I do not hold any blame against Eve for taking a bite of that fruit as Satan is the master tempter...and with out our defense we are defenseless.

I now realize why the words prayer and petition do all things are added, God knows that we are weak to begin with in the fight against spiritual darkness and we need armor, protection, to defend us against this battle we are all thrown in. I have failed many times in my fight against depression and anxiety because I have been fighting without the one who created me.

My pride has been a wall that has blocked me and this pride has led to shame in having to say I need help. The thoughts that haunt in my head are "i'm letting people down, again...i'm so stupid." then I don't tell anyone...Satan is one conniving serpent, he knows this weakness I have and hits the right buttons and I just fold and take these lies of not being good enough as truth. Which they are all Lies!

I know all the answers in my head, but have I been following God with my heart, no...if I was, then I wouldn't be in this exact predicament. I will still have struggles, but they would be different ones and I can stop repeating the cycle I am in now.

Life is a journey of ups and downs, forks in the roads, rivers w/ and w/o bridges and our guide is our Lord Jesus Christ, he navigated this journey perfectly, but he had challenges, temptations that each one of us face. I now must read these words I write and apply them to my life. This moment, this time, is a turning point in this child of God's life. It is he, who gives me strength, it is he, I will obey, it is he, I will give my all, it is he, I will raise my hands in worship.

Wherever you are in your Journey, just know you are not alone and learn to accept help. It does not make you weak, but stronger as a person, and as we journey towards our final resting place, I pray we can gather together and press onward in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

An anxious heart weighs a man down,

but a kind word cheers him up.

Proverbs 12:25

Darling village of Polk, how I love thee...

crossroads

I am at a crossroads, standing in the middle of the road and ahead of me are two paths. One is a uphill path and the other is a downhill path. I have a choice and at this moment I am contemplating my decision. Although it should be an easy one, the choices weigh heavy on my heart. I feel as a rope in a game of tug-of-war being pulled back and forth. Each side is one of these paths and at the moment I feel the downhill path is winning. Freedom has never felt so real to me and so important yet such a struggle to achieve. There is a battle going on and I need to equip myself with the tools to win such a battle and at the moment I am only hurting my chances to win.

As I began this post I was held in indecision, but I have realized the path I am going to take. I have taken the downhill path four times and see where that has led me time and time again. So the answer is quite clear that the uphill path is the path I must take. There are no more choices left and if I am going to reach freedom, I must tighten up my buckle and gather all my protection and weapons (Ephesians 6) and fight. I must. No more excuses, no more promises, and no more lies. The decision is right there in front of me and I have to make a decision. I must, this is my life I am talking about and there is only one chance to live this life. The time is now.

Stories of the Past

Going to the grandparent's was always exciting growing up. Running throughout my room grabbing a backpack filling it with books, crayons, coloring books, and later on cd player and cd's and random crafts, the most popular was friendship bracelets. Also the three MOST important items, first pillow (a must), second blanket (the one made by Grandma Ostberg of course), and perhaps the most vital item, my teddy bear. Never go on a trip without my teddy bear, who was aptly named Teddy (how original). As we would hop into our 90 silver Plymouth van, I in the far left corner of the backseat, Caitlin next to me, in the middle Erik in his car seat in front of me and Erin, the eldest of us siblings, closest to the sliding door. As we would stuff our backpacks filled with goodies for the car ride and either I or Caitlin would put a pillow between us, so we would have our own sides, our mom would do the final check of who else has to go to the bathroom. Finally after bathroom checks and everything loaded we would begin our journey to the Grandparents. During this time of life we lived in Columbus, Nebraska and our destination was to Central City, Nebraska. A nice 42 mile jaunt on Highway 30. Looking back that 42 minute car ride was the longest of my entire life.... the road is quite straight and the train tracks and electrical poles seemed to go on forever, how joyous I would be in the final bend into the lovely town of Central City, home of Pizza hut, dairy queen, wendy's, Lincoln Manor, and Waffle's 'n' more. This 42 mile jaunt on Hwy 30 which later turned into 2 hour jaunts hopping onto Hwy 92, is filled with many memories. Memories of riding home after a long day of M&M's, playing games with Grandma such as booby trap(always scared our fingers would get snapped), and helping Mom perm her mom's hair are filled with many emotions. The fondest memory I have is listening to Stacie Orrico and Zoegirl and crying into my pillow as I would pray to God. God and I had many a talks on Hwy 30 and Hwy 92 as I would lay my head against the cool glass of the van looking up at the stars. Other memories on this road are those of the "I have to go to the bathroom" one sibling cries, parent answers "Can you hold it?" the sibling answers "No...I really have to go" The van pulls over at a corner and dad would get out take out the child in need and the tall grass became the bathroom. This experience also reinforced one reason it is better to be a boy than a girl. Many a tantrums were thrown while on these two hwys, milk bottles thrown at the front seat by my brother, Caitlin and I arguing about who is touching whom, the asking of parents if they have any batteries, the parent's telling us to turn off the flashlights because they can see them under our blanket, and the unbuckling of the lap belts that seemed to tighten every time you took a breath in. One car ride I was laying in the backseat and unbuckled my seatbelt and laid the blanket over me and meticulously balanced on the seat, afraid of the next abrupt stop, but it was well worth it not to have the seat belt cutting into my waist. Also another trick Caitlin and I utilized was stretch our seat belts out to the other person's clasp. This gave ample room to move and not feel as if our seat belts were corsets tightening at every breath we take. Our positions in the van did not change until Erik had grown out of the booster seat. The arrangement then was Erin in the middle on the left, I next to her on the right. Erik in the back left and Caitlin in the back right. Today the seating arrangement has changed back to booster seat time because our little brother is no longer little anymore. Whenever we leave on a trip together everyone still gathers a bag a fills it with mostly books, and ipods and then our pillows and no longer baby blankets but fleece ones either the tie ones you can make or just a generic one. Also, Teddy stays at home, at the moment, in the comfort of his box in the quonset.

Save a Life: Some People are Just Dying to be heard

Today, tragedy struck a little to close to home. A poor child thought that the only way out was to hurt others as much as he was hurting inside. He called out for help, but no one answered and we are left picking up the pieces asking "Why". My heart breaks at the sadness that families are facing tonight. My heart goes out to all the friends, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. that were affected today.

We could continue to ask "why", but that is not going to change anything. Nothing right now can reverse back in the past and change what went wrong, but what we need to do today is look toward the future in how we can prevent what happened in the past to happen again in the future.

We can blame society, culture, facebook, people, etc., but will that get us anywhere, no. In order to change these things that we blame, is to first change ourselves.

In order to change ourselves, we can learn a lot from the teachings of Jesus.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew 7:3-5

So before we tell others or tell the parents of the child involved in today's events what they did wrong, look at yourself first and ask yourself "Are you blameless? Are you perfect? Do you have the right to judge?"

I am a sinful human being, by no means perfect in any terms. I screw up, I falter, I totally biff it at times, but I am blessed by a Saviour that gave his life to make me blameless in his Father's eyes. Am I deserving of this forgiveness? No, but that is why it is called Grace.

"No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”

Acts 15:11

The most amazing thing is that we are saved just as we are. We don't have to change in order to receive God's gift of eternal life. He will accept me as my messed up self. He accepts me and loves me in my worst condition and as I grow in my relationship with him, I become refined in his fire and become as pure as gold. When I mess up, he helps me pick myself up again and we continue on the path toward my final resting place in heaven. When I have no more strength to go on, he gives me strength, when I have lost all hope, he gives me hope, when I am riddled in self-doubt, he gives me faith, when I can't breathe another breath, he gives me the breath of life, when I feel as though I am not loved, he will always love me, when I feel alone, he will never leave me.

He is my Rock, my Salvation, my King of Kings, my Lord of Lords, my Prince of Peace, my Father, my Creator. How awesome is he!

My heart breaks that the child today was not able to get to know God, although I do not know his heart and know how much he is loved. Tragedies like these should open our eyes and be a challenge to all of us, to pay attention to those around us and let all of those we know about the God that loves each and one of us. It can be simple as having a conversation and truly caring about what the other is saying to a ARK (Act of Random Kindness). You may have Saved a Life. I pray that each of us will be challenged to look around ourselves at those we know and those we don't know and start caring. Lives can be changed by simply caring as God cares for us.