crossroads

I am at a crossroads, standing in the middle of the road and ahead of me are two paths. One is a uphill path and the other is a downhill path. I have a choice and at this moment I am contemplating my decision. Although it should be an easy one, the choices weigh heavy on my heart. I feel as a rope in a game of tug-of-war being pulled back and forth. Each side is one of these paths and at the moment I feel the downhill path is winning. Freedom has never felt so real to me and so important yet such a struggle to achieve. There is a battle going on and I need to equip myself with the tools to win such a battle and at the moment I am only hurting my chances to win.

As I began this post I was held in indecision, but I have realized the path I am going to take. I have taken the downhill path four times and see where that has led me time and time again. So the answer is quite clear that the uphill path is the path I must take. There are no more choices left and if I am going to reach freedom, I must tighten up my buckle and gather all my protection and weapons (Ephesians 6) and fight. I must. No more excuses, no more promises, and no more lies. The decision is right there in front of me and I have to make a decision. I must, this is my life I am talking about and there is only one chance to live this life. The time is now.

Stories of the Past

Going to the grandparent's was always exciting growing up. Running throughout my room grabbing a backpack filling it with books, crayons, coloring books, and later on cd player and cd's and random crafts, the most popular was friendship bracelets. Also the three MOST important items, first pillow (a must), second blanket (the one made by Grandma Ostberg of course), and perhaps the most vital item, my teddy bear. Never go on a trip without my teddy bear, who was aptly named Teddy (how original). As we would hop into our 90 silver Plymouth van, I in the far left corner of the backseat, Caitlin next to me, in the middle Erik in his car seat in front of me and Erin, the eldest of us siblings, closest to the sliding door. As we would stuff our backpacks filled with goodies for the car ride and either I or Caitlin would put a pillow between us, so we would have our own sides, our mom would do the final check of who else has to go to the bathroom. Finally after bathroom checks and everything loaded we would begin our journey to the Grandparents. During this time of life we lived in Columbus, Nebraska and our destination was to Central City, Nebraska. A nice 42 mile jaunt on Highway 30. Looking back that 42 minute car ride was the longest of my entire life.... the road is quite straight and the train tracks and electrical poles seemed to go on forever, how joyous I would be in the final bend into the lovely town of Central City, home of Pizza hut, dairy queen, wendy's, Lincoln Manor, and Waffle's 'n' more. This 42 mile jaunt on Hwy 30 which later turned into 2 hour jaunts hopping onto Hwy 92, is filled with many memories. Memories of riding home after a long day of M&M's, playing games with Grandma such as booby trap(always scared our fingers would get snapped), and helping Mom perm her mom's hair are filled with many emotions. The fondest memory I have is listening to Stacie Orrico and Zoegirl and crying into my pillow as I would pray to God. God and I had many a talks on Hwy 30 and Hwy 92 as I would lay my head against the cool glass of the van looking up at the stars. Other memories on this road are those of the "I have to go to the bathroom" one sibling cries, parent answers "Can you hold it?" the sibling answers "No...I really have to go" The van pulls over at a corner and dad would get out take out the child in need and the tall grass became the bathroom. This experience also reinforced one reason it is better to be a boy than a girl. Many a tantrums were thrown while on these two hwys, milk bottles thrown at the front seat by my brother, Caitlin and I arguing about who is touching whom, the asking of parents if they have any batteries, the parent's telling us to turn off the flashlights because they can see them under our blanket, and the unbuckling of the lap belts that seemed to tighten every time you took a breath in. One car ride I was laying in the backseat and unbuckled my seatbelt and laid the blanket over me and meticulously balanced on the seat, afraid of the next abrupt stop, but it was well worth it not to have the seat belt cutting into my waist. Also another trick Caitlin and I utilized was stretch our seat belts out to the other person's clasp. This gave ample room to move and not feel as if our seat belts were corsets tightening at every breath we take. Our positions in the van did not change until Erik had grown out of the booster seat. The arrangement then was Erin in the middle on the left, I next to her on the right. Erik in the back left and Caitlin in the back right. Today the seating arrangement has changed back to booster seat time because our little brother is no longer little anymore. Whenever we leave on a trip together everyone still gathers a bag a fills it with mostly books, and ipods and then our pillows and no longer baby blankets but fleece ones either the tie ones you can make or just a generic one. Also, Teddy stays at home, at the moment, in the comfort of his box in the quonset.

Save a Life: Some People are Just Dying to be heard

Today, tragedy struck a little to close to home. A poor child thought that the only way out was to hurt others as much as he was hurting inside. He called out for help, but no one answered and we are left picking up the pieces asking "Why". My heart breaks at the sadness that families are facing tonight. My heart goes out to all the friends, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. that were affected today.

We could continue to ask "why", but that is not going to change anything. Nothing right now can reverse back in the past and change what went wrong, but what we need to do today is look toward the future in how we can prevent what happened in the past to happen again in the future.

We can blame society, culture, facebook, people, etc., but will that get us anywhere, no. In order to change these things that we blame, is to first change ourselves.

In order to change ourselves, we can learn a lot from the teachings of Jesus.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew 7:3-5

So before we tell others or tell the parents of the child involved in today's events what they did wrong, look at yourself first and ask yourself "Are you blameless? Are you perfect? Do you have the right to judge?"

I am a sinful human being, by no means perfect in any terms. I screw up, I falter, I totally biff it at times, but I am blessed by a Saviour that gave his life to make me blameless in his Father's eyes. Am I deserving of this forgiveness? No, but that is why it is called Grace.

"No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”

Acts 15:11

The most amazing thing is that we are saved just as we are. We don't have to change in order to receive God's gift of eternal life. He will accept me as my messed up self. He accepts me and loves me in my worst condition and as I grow in my relationship with him, I become refined in his fire and become as pure as gold. When I mess up, he helps me pick myself up again and we continue on the path toward my final resting place in heaven. When I have no more strength to go on, he gives me strength, when I have lost all hope, he gives me hope, when I am riddled in self-doubt, he gives me faith, when I can't breathe another breath, he gives me the breath of life, when I feel as though I am not loved, he will always love me, when I feel alone, he will never leave me.

He is my Rock, my Salvation, my King of Kings, my Lord of Lords, my Prince of Peace, my Father, my Creator. How awesome is he!

My heart breaks that the child today was not able to get to know God, although I do not know his heart and know how much he is loved. Tragedies like these should open our eyes and be a challenge to all of us, to pay attention to those around us and let all of those we know about the God that loves each and one of us. It can be simple as having a conversation and truly caring about what the other is saying to a ARK (Act of Random Kindness). You may have Saved a Life. I pray that each of us will be challenged to look around ourselves at those we know and those we don't know and start caring. Lives can be changed by simply caring as God cares for us.