What can Man do to me? nothing with God on my side!

I am bitter, selfish, angry, frustrated, anxious, annoyed, tired, confused, unsure, scared, upset, furious, and etc.

I hate having all these feelings and just want to scream.

Right now the only one that understands is God, and the only one that gives me some comfort.

I have realized that I have to give him everything and I want to, but there is a part of me that is holding on and it is so hard to let it go.

My anger and bitterness I would say started to take root in middle school when the youth pastor changed and the one we got focused on the 7th graders and not us 8th graders. Some of the excuses were we were only there for a year and such. But it didn't end there as I enter high school youth group, the senior high dropped the ball in making us freshmen feel welcome. Then my senior year the youth leader was leaving and a whole issue with possibly going to the Dominican republic.

My dad was layoffed my freshmen year and I can remember the day he asked for all of us to sit in the living room and my mom and dad told us.

I worried about things a teenager shouldn't have to worry about. I wouldn't ask for new clothes because I didn't want to burden my parents. The constant fear of moving. The deaths of my grandparents. My first grandma in 7th grade, my other grandma my sophomore year, and one of my grandpa's on the day of my graduation party.

I guess you can say I was and I still think I am a little angry at God.

I'm not the goodytwoshoe that everyone probably though I was in high school and college. I just was and am good at masks, but right now I can't even put the mask on so I don't socialize much anymore, cause it is too hard. The surgery I had for my feet was a constant fear of me going back into surgery and caused myself into a deep depression, which I am still fighting to get out of.

I may not have smoked or got drunk or slept around, but all of these events through middle, high school and college have affected me and I guess I haven't fully dealt with them or talked about them. So I am laying it all out on this blog for the world to see.

I feel as if I am being torn in two. God is right there waiting for me to run into his arms and I am scared to leave my comfort zone of just existing as a rock exists.

The verse that has been helping survive has been from Hebrews 13 "because God said, 'Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

So I ask if anyone has read this, Pray for me. That is all I ask and that is the strongest thing you can do. Prayer is stronger than we realize. I am praying these revelations are the light at the end of this dark tunnel I am in.

I believe with all my heart God has something great for me to do, and Satan and nothing has a hold on me because what can they do to me!

Does the end really justify the means?

As technology evolves, the human race devolves. Intelligence becomes less important as many intellectual challenging tasks are solved by the press of a button. We become knowledgeable in the act of pressing a button to solve an outcome and not the actual process that challenges our minds.
Another area where the human race is devolving is language. Where are manners and politeness? Is it polite to call a female a "b...."? Where are the 'sirs' and 'ma'am'? Why is it okay when kids do not know that they should respect their elders? When there are those who ignore the elderly or even injured?
With the added technology and other related items, we have become spoiled. Whatever generation we are now...generation y or something I don't know.
The American Culture is a culture where we expect instant gratification. We want it now...not tomorrow or two years, but now, this instant. When there is a problem we get frustrated and irritated when the problem isn't solved with one plan that will take the fastest amount of time and the least amount of money. This Achilles heal isn't just in the younger population, but in the so-called "baby boomers" that have been amazing and great and a wonderful generation. These baby boomers and generations right after are the ones running our government in the Senate and Congress. They are guilty of this instant gratification that everyone in America assumes is their right to have.
The latest example of this flaw in our culture is the recent health care bill because it attempts to solve the huge problem that there is in health care with one fell swoop. That is not going to happen. This issue of health care is going to need smaller changes over a longer period of time. This health care bill that Obama proclaims as what is needed and will "save" America is baloney and a just a worthless piece of paper that is going to harm more than help. This instant gratification that is in our culture is harming more than helping.
We need to relearn that we have to crawl before you walk and walk before you run.
We need to look back and realize that those that became before us especially the founding fathers understood this statement. Technology does not make us smarter than those a hundred years ago. It just allows tasks that occurred a hundred years ago to go faster and I guess this is where instant gratification took hold in our culture.

Everyday we use these three words

"HOW ARE YOU?"

But do we mean it all the time?

There are times we hope the answer is fine,

so we feel good about ourselves

for taking the "time" to care for someone.

But when the answer isn't the common, good, fine, tired,

we are surprised.

"How are you" has turned into the common Hello.

The next time you ask someone "How are you"

add the words "really"

it may surprise them and they may have been looking for the opportunity

to tell someone how they really doing

and just might make their day knowing that someone cares for them.

So I ask you "How are you doing really?"

You never know you may have Saved a Life

Living is hard...thank goodness we have God to help us

Well I believe right now my struggle with God at this moment would have to be that I'm in this part of my life where I am fighting between doing it myself and fixing it myself, when I do know that in the bottom of my heart that God is, who I need to lean on and give him the control and rely on him for when I have no strength to carry on. Last night I was listening to a interview of Joni Eareckson Tada and she said that there were days where she asked God in the morning before her friend came in to help her get dressed, to give her some of his smile. This is what I want to do and how I want to live.

I just need to get passed this little barrier in my mind that is telling me no and it feels that going past this barrier is something my body doesn't want to do. I was shown through Joni, that even when our physical body can't do what we know we should be doing, we can grab hold on to God and ask him for the strength that our own physical body cannot do. Right now I would have to say that God is slowly answering this to me through people I find why on the internet and it comes at a moment when I need to hear it.

The thing that has been holding me back and what I have been slowly learning to seek God on is my depression. I feel that depression is something that clouds your mind and makes you believe that there isn't anyone with you. It mutes the faith in God that you once had. Your faith doesn't disappear, but it is made to seem that it is not the most important thing. There have been moments of pure clarity, where the fog has God and asked him for his help and these are the moments where I feel to be myself once again. I'm struggling to hold on to these moments and fully trust God and not allow Satan to tempt me and draw back into the fog.

I truly believe that Satan has a huge deal in being part of the blame. We misconceive the gravity of the Spiritual warfare that is going on right now. Satan and his demons are fighting against Jesus/God and his angels, for our souls. Never before have I been clearer on this fact because I have felt that pull. We as Christians in America have lost sight of this, because we have been blinded to the full extent of Christianity. There is a war going on and Satan has lost, and until judgement day comes and he is thrown into the lake of fire, but we must not be apathetic and resigned to the fact that he is eventually beaten, because Satan is going to try his damnedest to bring as many souls down with him.