What can Man do to me? nothing with God on my side!

I am bitter, selfish, angry, frustrated, anxious, annoyed, tired, confused, unsure, scared, upset, furious, and etc.

I hate having all these feelings and just want to scream.

Right now the only one that understands is God, and the only one that gives me some comfort.

I have realized that I have to give him everything and I want to, but there is a part of me that is holding on and it is so hard to let it go.

My anger and bitterness I would say started to take root in middle school when the youth pastor changed and the one we got focused on the 7th graders and not us 8th graders. Some of the excuses were we were only there for a year and such. But it didn't end there as I enter high school youth group, the senior high dropped the ball in making us freshmen feel welcome. Then my senior year the youth leader was leaving and a whole issue with possibly going to the Dominican republic.

My dad was layoffed my freshmen year and I can remember the day he asked for all of us to sit in the living room and my mom and dad told us.

I worried about things a teenager shouldn't have to worry about. I wouldn't ask for new clothes because I didn't want to burden my parents. The constant fear of moving. The deaths of my grandparents. My first grandma in 7th grade, my other grandma my sophomore year, and one of my grandpa's on the day of my graduation party.

I guess you can say I was and I still think I am a little angry at God.

I'm not the goodytwoshoe that everyone probably though I was in high school and college. I just was and am good at masks, but right now I can't even put the mask on so I don't socialize much anymore, cause it is too hard. The surgery I had for my feet was a constant fear of me going back into surgery and caused myself into a deep depression, which I am still fighting to get out of.

I may not have smoked or got drunk or slept around, but all of these events through middle, high school and college have affected me and I guess I haven't fully dealt with them or talked about them. So I am laying it all out on this blog for the world to see.

I feel as if I am being torn in two. God is right there waiting for me to run into his arms and I am scared to leave my comfort zone of just existing as a rock exists.

The verse that has been helping survive has been from Hebrews 13 "because God said, 'Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

So I ask if anyone has read this, Pray for me. That is all I ask and that is the strongest thing you can do. Prayer is stronger than we realize. I am praying these revelations are the light at the end of this dark tunnel I am in.

I believe with all my heart God has something great for me to do, and Satan and nothing has a hold on me because what can they do to me!

Does the end really justify the means?

As technology evolves, the human race devolves. Intelligence becomes less important as many intellectual challenging tasks are solved by the press of a button. We become knowledgeable in the act of pressing a button to solve an outcome and not the actual process that challenges our minds.
Another area where the human race is devolving is language. Where are manners and politeness? Is it polite to call a female a "b...."? Where are the 'sirs' and 'ma'am'? Why is it okay when kids do not know that they should respect their elders? When there are those who ignore the elderly or even injured?
With the added technology and other related items, we have become spoiled. Whatever generation we are now...generation y or something I don't know.
The American Culture is a culture where we expect instant gratification. We want it now...not tomorrow or two years, but now, this instant. When there is a problem we get frustrated and irritated when the problem isn't solved with one plan that will take the fastest amount of time and the least amount of money. This Achilles heal isn't just in the younger population, but in the so-called "baby boomers" that have been amazing and great and a wonderful generation. These baby boomers and generations right after are the ones running our government in the Senate and Congress. They are guilty of this instant gratification that everyone in America assumes is their right to have.
The latest example of this flaw in our culture is the recent health care bill because it attempts to solve the huge problem that there is in health care with one fell swoop. That is not going to happen. This issue of health care is going to need smaller changes over a longer period of time. This health care bill that Obama proclaims as what is needed and will "save" America is baloney and a just a worthless piece of paper that is going to harm more than help. This instant gratification that is in our culture is harming more than helping.
We need to relearn that we have to crawl before you walk and walk before you run.
We need to look back and realize that those that became before us especially the founding fathers understood this statement. Technology does not make us smarter than those a hundred years ago. It just allows tasks that occurred a hundred years ago to go faster and I guess this is where instant gratification took hold in our culture.

Everyday we use these three words

"HOW ARE YOU?"

But do we mean it all the time?

There are times we hope the answer is fine,

so we feel good about ourselves

for taking the "time" to care for someone.

But when the answer isn't the common, good, fine, tired,

we are surprised.

"How are you" has turned into the common Hello.

The next time you ask someone "How are you"

add the words "really"

it may surprise them and they may have been looking for the opportunity

to tell someone how they really doing

and just might make their day knowing that someone cares for them.

So I ask you "How are you doing really?"

You never know you may have Saved a Life

Living is hard...thank goodness we have God to help us

Well I believe right now my struggle with God at this moment would have to be that I'm in this part of my life where I am fighting between doing it myself and fixing it myself, when I do know that in the bottom of my heart that God is, who I need to lean on and give him the control and rely on him for when I have no strength to carry on. Last night I was listening to a interview of Joni Eareckson Tada and she said that there were days where she asked God in the morning before her friend came in to help her get dressed, to give her some of his smile. This is what I want to do and how I want to live.

I just need to get passed this little barrier in my mind that is telling me no and it feels that going past this barrier is something my body doesn't want to do. I was shown through Joni, that even when our physical body can't do what we know we should be doing, we can grab hold on to God and ask him for the strength that our own physical body cannot do. Right now I would have to say that God is slowly answering this to me through people I find why on the internet and it comes at a moment when I need to hear it.

The thing that has been holding me back and what I have been slowly learning to seek God on is my depression. I feel that depression is something that clouds your mind and makes you believe that there isn't anyone with you. It mutes the faith in God that you once had. Your faith doesn't disappear, but it is made to seem that it is not the most important thing. There have been moments of pure clarity, where the fog has God and asked him for his help and these are the moments where I feel to be myself once again. I'm struggling to hold on to these moments and fully trust God and not allow Satan to tempt me and draw back into the fog.

I truly believe that Satan has a huge deal in being part of the blame. We misconceive the gravity of the Spiritual warfare that is going on right now. Satan and his demons are fighting against Jesus/God and his angels, for our souls. Never before have I been clearer on this fact because I have felt that pull. We as Christians in America have lost sight of this, because we have been blinded to the full extent of Christianity. There is a war going on and Satan has lost, and until judgement day comes and he is thrown into the lake of fire, but we must not be apathetic and resigned to the fact that he is eventually beaten, because Satan is going to try his damnedest to bring as many souls down with him.

I have found a new love...

Where are the Mr. Darcy, Mr. Thorton, Mr. Knightly, Captain Wentworth, and Roger Hamley's in the real world?

Ha... I know what you are thinking. It is fiction. You will never find a Mr. Darcy, etc. in the real world? You are getting your hopes up.

I think not. Why settle? Is that what us, women have left?

Why can't we find our prince? The one who will love us with all their hearts.

I am not meaning prince in riches, but one with good character.

In these literary worlds from the 1800s, reputation meant the life or death of a person. Why have we gotten to the point in our world, where reputation does not mean a life of moral and respectable behaviour.

Then again, I think, are there any more of these men left?

I know there once were, as I have wonderful examples of my own dad, grandpas, and uncles. Each of these men in my life care/cared a great deal for their wives and families. They would give everything for their families.

I could end this blog now because I have given examples that satisfy myself, but to some they might think that family is just a freak accident. But I think naught.

So I turn to one of probably the oldest love stories in history.

Ruth, yes, Ruth, the girl from the Bible, Ruth.

The Moab woman that gave up her culture, her family, her religion, and follow this unknown God of her late husband's nation.

You may be thinking, what are you talking about? How does this have to deal with Mr. Darcy and those associated?

But this story has everything to do with it.

Here is a bit of background to this story in History.

Naomi and her husband and two sons leave Israel into the nation of Moab because of famine.

In Moab, her sons meet two Moab women, Orpah and Ruth. They married and not many years after Naomi's husband and sons died.

At this time, Naomi has heard that famine is no longer in Israel. She decides to go back and she tells her daughter-in-laws that they should go back to their own families. Orpah and Naomi try to disagree and Naomi tries to convince them again saying "There is no way that if I remarry and have two sons, would you really wait until they grew up to marry them?" (paraphrased again). Orpah decides to go back home, but Ruth pleads to Naomi. She says, "Your God is my God, Your nation is my nation" (a bit paraphrased) Naomi consents, probably a little relieved that she has a companion.

They reach Israel and Naomi is greeted by some women that know her. She then tells them that her name is no longer Naomi, as it means blessed, and that her new name is Mara meaning bitter as her life has been full of bitterness because of the deaths of her kin and her move away from Israel and the famine.

So now you have two widowed women, with no income. So Ruth decides that she will glean in the fields as it is harvest time, so that they would have food. Ruth goes to a field and starts gleaning. The owner asks some workers, who the woman is, and they tell him that she is the daughter-in-law of Naomi. Then the owner tells the workers to pull out extra sheaves of grain, and leave her be and let her work with the servant girls.

Ruth than goes home and Naomi and her see how much grain Ruth got. There was a whole bunch and Naomi was "whose fields did you glean?" Ruth then tells that the fields she gleaned were that of Boaz's and Naomi exclaimed he is our kin...

Naomi then told Ruth to go back and that this is a blessing. Ruth keeps going and meets with Boaz during a lunch.

Naomi then tells Ruth that she should go one night while Boaz is threshing and after he is done and is asleep, to go and lay down at his feet. He then wakes up and promises that he shall marry her as it is in tradition, but there is another that is closer in relations to Naomi and has claim on the property. Boaz then meets with this other at the front gates with the elders of the town as is custom. The other kin is ready to take the land, but Boaz mentions that he must also marry the daughter-in-law and the child born will be of her former husbands line, so that the former's husbands line would continue and the property as well. This kin was basically like heck no, why would I want property when my own line wouldn't have ownership of it. So the kin gave Boaz his shoe as his signing/agreeing with the agreement.

Boaz then marries Ruth and they have children. Ruth then became an ancestor of David and then Jesus.

This is my favorite book in the Bible, as I have just typed this story from memory. Although this isn't the traditional love story, but having a man that honors, respects, and cares for you and would be there when needed. Boaz was Ruth's Kinsman Redeemer.

This is then shown later as Jesus is our Kinsman Redeemer as well.

I do believe that somewhere out there is my Mr. Darcy, etc... or my Boaz out there. This may seem as a hopeless romantic idea.

I believe that there is a Boaz out there for me and for others. Although it may seem like there are more frogs than princes as the Superchic[k] song goes, there are some good, honest, and men of character still out there that respects and honors a woman, I hope.

So ladies, do not settle. Being single is better than being with a man that does not respect or treat you right. You do not need a boyfriend, not having one, does not make you any less. Not being asked out does not mean that no one loves you. God will always love us and his love is there for us always. God has given us many wonderful examples in the Bible. So it isn't myth that you can't expect a Mr. Darcy, etc... God loves us so much and he doesn't want us to settle. He wants the best for us, someone who will support and lift up us spiritually, who will protect us, who will love us,who will respect us, and keep our honor.

Today's society has tossed out the idea of keeping a woman's honor or anyone's honor for that fact. No longer is it thought virginity is a honor, but a disease for something wrong with a person. The press were nervous when they found out Tim Tebow was saving for marriage. The last visible symbol that shows this honor is the white wedding dress, meaning purity, but even that is being misused and misunderstood.

Where are the days of the Knights, the Samurai, and propriety, where honor and character are the most important things?

So I end this saying, I am waiting for that man to sweep me off my feet with his character and love for God.

I was lost, but now am Found.

Being physically lost is far different than being mentally lost...at times I feel that I'm wandering around in a circle not knowing where the end is or being in a maze and can't finding the exit. Besides being lost, I'm trapped not knowing how to get out. There are many ways you can handle this situation and I have been through many of them. You can keep floundering lost and confused and fall to the ground crying, run around screaming to get help, but no one can hear you. This is how I have been feeling for the last two months. I'm being so very honest...it is hard to actually type this out on the internet for the world to see, but there is something so very important about my story. I think it is quite weird saying I have a story, but everyone has a story. There is a name to this feeling of being lost and not knowing how to get out and that is depression. I am depressed. No, I am clinically depressed...Gosh, that is a hard thing to say, I'm tearing up write now. It is just that it is such a hard part of my life and I struggle...everyday dealing with it. Medicine is good and all, but it doesn't change everything, part of this fight is one that I have to overcome...For quite awhile this depression has pushed me away from God, it has built a wall around my heart and I have become cold hearted to God, just as the Pharoh did during Moses's time. I knew God and believed in him, but that relationship that is so critical in being a real follower of Christ wasn't there. I just went through the motions, said the right things... I wasn't doing anything wrong, really in all actuallity I was doing NOTHING. At times all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day and sleep. I felt trapped and I am slowly crawling out of my hole, slowly but surely I will get out of this hole and rub the dirt off and learn from the challenge that I am facing. One night I was reading in the Bible, which is so key in keeping Satan at bay and keeping you full with the Holy Spirit, I read a verse in Hebrews 13 it said "Because God said, 'Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" I asked myself this question replied fullheartedly in my room NO.. then I substituted Satan in the word for man... and I said again NO. It reminds me of a RED song where he is basically screaming for satan to get away. I felt this release, my shoulders were a little bit lighter and I felt more like myself. I have so so much going for me, I'm applying to law school, I am in my senior year, I'm taking the LSAT, I want to make a difference, I want others to know the love of Christ. I want to change lives. I want others to have the never ending, always loving relationship with Jesus Christ that I have. HE IS THE ONE THAT PULLED ME OUT MY DARK HOLE. IT WAS HIS HAND REACHING OUT THESE LAST TWO MONTHS SAYING, "COME MY CHILD I LOVE YOU, LET ME TAKE YOUR BURDENS AWAY." HE LOVES ME SO MUCH THAT HE DIED FOR ME. I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW. No one can deny my experiences. God is someone that is so Peaceful, so loving, so caring, so Just, is so jealous he wants me for himself. He wanted me as he wants you to be his child. that is why he sent his only son to die on earth. I'm slowly crawling, but the key word is that I am. I am ready to face the day even though it might seem scary. Satan won't hold me down, not now, not ever. There is a reason he should be scared, I have broken down the wall. God has won, Satan has lost, he has his judgement. He will be thrown into the fiery lake for all eternity and we will give praises to the Most High God and forever be in his Glory. Praise be to Him!

Am I content? I think I am.

I am content with being single and actually just want to stay that way for a bit. There are so many things God has for my life and right now being single is where God wants me to be and I just really understood that these last two days. I have amazing friends and my family is amazing as well and right now I only want to focus on God and really put him first in my life. I need to grow so much in my walk with God and there are so many things that I still need to give to him. I really believe that God has big plans for me and I just need to give him the reigns...because I have been holding on to them even when I thought I wasn't. This is what I have been thinking about and realizing about myself. I haven't fully understood the power and glory of God. Will I ever understand who God is? Let's compare God to Color. Color is an amazing thing and we only see a fraction of it. We just see the surface, just like an iceberg you can only see the top, but what is under the water is massive. That is the same with Color, we see the colors red, blue, green, yellow, but we don't see infrared, gamma rays, x-rays, radio waves, microwaves, and ultraviolet with our naked eye. It took years of research and innovation to be able to see these other colors and still we have so much to be discovered. Who knows there could be far more colors than we have realized? The same is with God. We can't see God, but we see what he has done and created. We can catch glimpses of God's massive power and overwhelming love at times, but they are always fleeting. The feelings of Joy and overwhelming peace are fleeting. You can never be full of Joy, all the time. The "technology" that helps us to see glimpses of who God is the Bible, prayer, worship of any type, silence, listening, and just looking at what is around you. There are times when I just want to shout with Joy and proclaim about who God is, but sometimes as quickly as it came it goes away. God is complex and simple at the same time, if that makes sense. If we truly saw and knew the total of God's power, we wouldn't be able to stand and would have to look away. This is shown when Moses talked with God first through the burning bush and then later when Moses talk to God in his tent. When Moses walked out of his tent, he was glowing with the radiance of God and the Israelites couldn't look at him. Also there is many places in the Bible where you can see the immense power of God and the book that I really see God's power is in Job. God's response is amazing and just gives a glimpse of everything God can do.

Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:

2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel

with words without knowledge?

3 Brace yourself like a man;

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?

Tell me, if you understand.

5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!

Who stretched a measuring line across it?

6 On what were its footings set,

or who laid its cornerstone-

7 while the morning stars sang together

and all the angels [a] shouted for joy?

8 "Who shut up the sea behind doors

when it burst forth from the womb,

9 when I made the clouds its garment

and wrapped it in thick darkness,

10 when I fixed limits for it

and set its doors and bars in place,

11 when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;

here is where your proud waves halt'?

12 "Have you ever given orders to the morning,

or shown the dawn its place,

13 that it might take the earth by the edges

and shake the wicked out of it?

14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;

its features stand out like those of a garment.

15 The wicked are denied their light,

and their upraised arm is broken.

16 "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea

or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?

Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?

Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?

Tell me, if you know all this.

"What is the way to the abode of light?

And where does darkness reside?

Can you take them to their places?

Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

Surely you know, for you were already born!

You have lived so many years!

"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow

or seen the storehouses of the hail,

which I reserve for times of trouble,

for days of war and battle?

What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,

or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,

and a path for the thunderstorm,

to water a land where no man lives,

a desert with no one in it,

to satisfy a desolate wasteland

and make it sprout with grass?

Does the rain have a father?

Who fathers the drops of dew?

From whose womb comes the ice?

Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

when the waters become hard as stone,

when the surface of the deep is frozen?

"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?

Can you loose the cords of Orion?

Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons

or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

Do you know the laws of the heavens?

Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

"Can you raise your voice to the clouds

and cover yourself with a flood of water?

Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?

Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

Who endowed the heart with wisdom

or gave understanding to the mind ?

Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?

Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

when the dust becomes hard

and the clods of earth stick together?

"Do you hunt the prey for the lioness

and satisfy the hunger of the lions

when they crouch in their dens

or lie in wait in a thicket?

Who provides food for the raven

when its young cry out to God

and wander about for lack of food?