What can Man do to me? nothing with God on my side!

I am bitter, selfish, angry, frustrated, anxious, annoyed, tired, confused, unsure, scared, upset, furious, and etc.

I hate having all these feelings and just want to scream.

Right now the only one that understands is God, and the only one that gives me some comfort.

I have realized that I have to give him everything and I want to, but there is a part of me that is holding on and it is so hard to let it go.

My anger and bitterness I would say started to take root in middle school when the youth pastor changed and the one we got focused on the 7th graders and not us 8th graders. Some of the excuses were we were only there for a year and such. But it didn't end there as I enter high school youth group, the senior high dropped the ball in making us freshmen feel welcome. Then my senior year the youth leader was leaving and a whole issue with possibly going to the Dominican republic.

My dad was layoffed my freshmen year and I can remember the day he asked for all of us to sit in the living room and my mom and dad told us.

I worried about things a teenager shouldn't have to worry about. I wouldn't ask for new clothes because I didn't want to burden my parents. The constant fear of moving. The deaths of my grandparents. My first grandma in 7th grade, my other grandma my sophomore year, and one of my grandpa's on the day of my graduation party.

I guess you can say I was and I still think I am a little angry at God.

I'm not the goodytwoshoe that everyone probably though I was in high school and college. I just was and am good at masks, but right now I can't even put the mask on so I don't socialize much anymore, cause it is too hard. The surgery I had for my feet was a constant fear of me going back into surgery and caused myself into a deep depression, which I am still fighting to get out of.

I may not have smoked or got drunk or slept around, but all of these events through middle, high school and college have affected me and I guess I haven't fully dealt with them or talked about them. So I am laying it all out on this blog for the world to see.

I feel as if I am being torn in two. God is right there waiting for me to run into his arms and I am scared to leave my comfort zone of just existing as a rock exists.

The verse that has been helping survive has been from Hebrews 13 "because God said, 'Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

So I ask if anyone has read this, Pray for me. That is all I ask and that is the strongest thing you can do. Prayer is stronger than we realize. I am praying these revelations are the light at the end of this dark tunnel I am in.

I believe with all my heart God has something great for me to do, and Satan and nothing has a hold on me because what can they do to me!